Amy's phone call

I missed the call this morning, but seeing the display on my caller ID, I feared the worse. You see, Unfortunately I look at life as expect the worst. Hope for the best. It's a defence mechanism to make my life bearable. Kinda like an optimistic pessimist. Probably not the best mindset.

A message was left,and I was terrified to listen to it. A dear family friend, and someone who's known me practically my whole life has been laying in a bed at a hospice center. She's been there a few months. She hates it! Her family hates it. I hate it.

Amy said her mother was not doing well at all, and wanted me to know. I tried to visit as regularly as I could, but have not gone since returning from Colorado about a week ago. I feel selfish.

This is especially difficult for me as she was a best friend, and like a sister to my mother who died about eleven years ago. I can't even remember exactly how long ago, and that's bad. Regardless, my mother was also in the hospice program. Not at a facility, but at her home. exactly where she wanted to be.

I'm at work. I feel extremely helpless. I pray that God will allow her to hold on until I can see her. Is that selfish? I don't know. My mind is spinning. I feel very sad and anxious. I don't want to be here. I don't know where to be.

Her name is Joan, but she'll always be Mrs. Shropshire to me.