Bird is the Word

So, what do you eat for Thanksgiving? Growing up the food prepared and eaten by my clan for the holiday was your usual traditional turkey meal. As time went by and we grew older, my evil twin took over the cooking, (he's a bit controlling) barricading himself in the kitchen.

While growing up I preferred to keep the holidays, especially the food, traditional. Tradition and regularity tend to be comforting, especially around holidays where the family stuff can get a little, shall we say, hysterical and crazed. Over time my evil twin began to veer off from the usual holiday dishes. This didn't sit too well with me, but I didn't have much of a say in the matter. It's Thanksgiving for craps sake! I want turkey with stuffing and cranberry sauce. I want mashed potatoes and gravy. I want green beans. I want pumpkin and apple pie. I want, I want, I want, and I want it NOW!

Then things got a little bit weird. I'll attempt to explain. My mother was a single parent attempting to raise four kids on her own, and money occasionally got a bit lean. The holidays were important to her and she didn't want us to go without. We couldn't really afford a nice turkey and heels had been dragged so on this particular Thanksgiving it had become too late to even find one. This was also during my twin brothers "vegetarian phase".

No one, and I mean NO ONE was allowed anywhere in the vicinity of the kitchen. There was an air of mystery in the house as pots and pans banged and strange, unusual and wondrous pungent smells wafted and lingered heavily in the area of the top secret production. As the noises ceased, the kitchen Nazi emerged from his culinary lair to declare Thanksgiving diner was finally prepared and ready to be served.

We all sat down slowly, cautiously anticipating the coming Thanksgiving grub. Isn't that a type of insect? Anyway, a tray containing God only knows what was slowly lowered to the dining table by a winch borrowed from kindly neighbors. There was a sudden hush over the table as eyes went wide. "What in holy buckets is that?", I thought but dared not speak it.

It was shaped kinda like a turkey, but the coloring was a bit off. I took a whiff of the steam rising from the thing, but was unable to identify the smell. It's odor was not particularly bad, nor particularly good. It even had feathers stuck in it, but they looked like leaves that had fallen from a tree. They had been ceremoniously applied to the turkey using extreme creative license.

My evil twin stood there beaming as we all sat motionless, no one brave enough to make the first move. Seemingly frustrated, my ET "carved" the "turkey" which seemed to melt away from the knife as opposed to being sliced. I was served first of course which only heightened my suspicions. I was convinced without a shred of doubt that my ET had been scheming for years to poison me & it appeared my time was at hand. The plates of steaming mystery sat in front of us for what seemed like hours. My ET's eyes psychotically darted back and forth as he waited for his first victim to taste his Frankensteins monster.

My mother, God rest her soul, always the diplomat, bravely took a bite succumbing to its inedible agony. She smiled through chattering teeth, seizing tongue and green pallor. We waited as one our guests prepared to call the undertaker. Wonder of wonders, the coloring of her face returned to normal, albeit still a bit pale. She had survived. My poor mother, my ET's Guinna pig was still breathing. After giving us all the stink eye, my mother without uttering a single syllable, made it clear we'd all better begin eating as well.

To this day I'll never know what I ate. Later in life, x rays would show that not all of the substance had been digested. The doctor told me to suck it up and live with it, much like some folks who take a bullet have to live with a little lead. Rumor has it a majority of the "turkey" was made of scrapple, corned beef hash, and assorted parts of undisclosed animals that cause me to tremble and sweat just thinking about it. If you really wanna know what I suspect, I'd have to say a good percentage of the "turkey" was prepared using a generic brand of cat food.

Never mind the damn turkey! Just get me a beer and a burger!