The Target Incident (or, how NOT to replace a lightbulb!)

One recent deep dark velvety night, I awoke to the sweet gentle calling of the wild. OK, so I had to pee, but that doesn't sound as romantic, does it?! As I stumbled (literally) through my apartment in a sleepy (non purple) haze, I realized my nightlight was out. I wondered if the bulb had simply blown or perhaps there was a frightening conspiracy afoot being perpetrated by the monsters under my bed.

Despite my fears, I was too tired to do anything about it, choosing to wait until the safety of daylight. I returned to bed with my glass of milk, checked under the bed & inside the closet, & eventually fell back to sleep. With the glory of a bright & beautiful brand new day, (actually it was raining) I gulped my morning joe, showered & shaved, & I was off to pick up a new bulb & some other stuff at Target.


Well, almost. Whilst sitting in the ol' Element (clown car) I was mentally checking off things in my head so I didn't forget anything. Car-check, keys-check, list-check, coupons 'cause I'm cheap-check, Chinese throwing stars-check, pants-oops! After a wardrobe correction I was off.


I'm a man & I love Target!- I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've been to the Wednesday meetings, have you?! I had brought the blown bulb along for shopping reference. Now most anyone would have kept it in their pocket, but NOT me. No, I was carrying it around the store in my hand. After picking up a few unnecessary items, I realized I would probably be better off with a cart. I located one, & as I grabbed the cart handle, C-R-U-N-C-H! Yup, you guessed it, the bulb in my hand shattered into a billion little pieces!


Oh no. I was afraid to look. I sloowly opened my hand to survey the damage. Like a beautiful snowfall on Christmas morning, those tiny shards were sticking into my hand like shiny holiday glitter, but that's NOT the best part. The filament or middle of the bulb-part-thingie was embedded into the center of my palm. And then came the blood. Drip-drip-drip, all over Targets shiny floor!

After deciding not to faint which could be construed by some to be unmanly, I decided to head to the pharmacy as that seemed to make the most sense in the throws of my medical crisis. If you wanted to find me you wouldn't need bread crumbs nor the yellow brick road. All you'd need to do was follow the crimson red droplets of my dwindling life force that dotted the floor like an ADHD connect-the-dots.

I arrived at the pharmacy counter with a pale countenance & with a faint quiet plea I asked if they had a surgeon on staff for emergency suturing, or at least a Band-Aid or three. My gentle desperate cry was met with a indifferent, um...no. WHAT? No medical supplies or first aid kit for scenarios like mine?! You mean I'd actually have to buy a box of Band-Aids for just one or two?! Um...yeah.

Don't panic!, I repeated over & over to myself like some bad yoga mantra. With my mind spinning like a carousel from Dante's inferno, I quickly made my way to the men's bathroom which was...locked?! Mustering up whatever bravery existed in my body, (apparently only my pinkie finger) I invaded the ladies room after announcing myself of course.

There I pulled the metal & wire splinter from the palm of my hand, & cleansed my wound. I wrapped my injured paw in paper towels to stem the flow of blood & decided I may as well pick up what I came for. As I was about to leave, a woman entered. She was a very large & mean spirited looking woman. She sized me up while giving me the stink eye. I excused myself & fled hoping she wouldn't call security!

As quickly as I could, I completed my shopping & drove myself to the nearest hospital. Actually I just drove home crying like a baby. Once there I cleaned myself off & applied my own (free!) Band-Aid.

So ladies & gentleman-including kids of all ages, that is my silly tale of woe as could only happen to me! There is no moral to this story. In fact there are absolutely NO morals involved! I survived & I'm still standing to share this tale with you. Thank you & good night!

PS- If you enjoyed this humble post about self mutilation, you'll probably enjoy a similar one from long ago entitled "The CVS Incident".

Kids PLEASE don't try this at home!