This past Monday (3-9-09) marked 12 years since my mother died. TWELVE YEARS! On one hand it seems so long ago as I considered all the major turning points & events that have shaped my life since then. On the other hand in some unexplainable way it feels like much less time has passed. As you get older & more aware of the confining & controlling yet compelling notion of time, it can seem like it has moved so fast that sometimes it has passed you by & your barely aware of it.
At the time I could barely comprehend her death, although she'd been sick for sometime. People say death can be easier to bare when the person has a long term illness in that supposedly you have more time to prepare yourself for it's eventuality. I thought I'd never survive it. Even though I knew the anniversary was this past Monday, it had somewhat slipped my mind. I felt a bit guilty, but I also realized it probably means for the most part I've healed & moved on.
Despite my spiritual beliefs, I've always held a somewhat irrational fear of death, going way back to when I was young. I have absolutely no idea how or when these seeds were planted. Perhaps it was being raised with little security in a somewhat unstable home. I think the fears in my adult years would stem from not accomplishing all the things I had intended or not becoming the person I had always wanted, intended, & hoped to be before it was time for my soul to transcend to what I feel & pray to be a better place or state of being.
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5 comments:
I have never feared death. But I have always feared HOW it will occur. Or when... But I've always felt that I will live a long life. Everyone may think this, but I truly feel it. Like my teen years (right now) are some sort of memory. I'm really observing everything and soaking a lot of moments in (good... and bad). I've been doing so ever since I was a small child. I'd be swinging through the air and I recall the wind on my face and the dirt sticking to my shoes. I REALLY feel things.
And I believe there is something very great out there. I have never read the Bible and I've never prayed in a church. I've never been babtised and I don't believe that "bad" people go to hell (ex: suicide). Actually, I don't even believe in hell.
But I do believe there is a place for us all where we can be eternally happily. We will all one day find one another. Everything our souls desire will be there. Every precious memory, every lost loved one. Our souls will be ALIVE and at home. At peace. We will have that feeling of true happiness. Sorrow will depart and so will fear.
Eternal bliss.
*eternally happy*
Sal is one of a kind. I love her very much still.
Stef- You are VERY wise beyond your years. If your this insightful now, imagine when your 80. Your head will explode & I won't be around to see it. ;-(
After reading your comment I feel like dying- you know what I mean...I think...maybe?
HOLY CRAP-OMG! It's Crystal. Your alive! I miss you. Your the one that got me started on this whole Blogger thing! PLEASE contact me! I guess I'm not gonna see you in May?
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