The Good, The Bad, and The Fugly

The good news.
It looks like there's a possibility I may live another forty or so years.

The bad news.
I seem to have been born without any internal organs. half of my brain appears to be missing as well.

Wow. I'm sure glad I had that MRI.

I wish I could say it was for something exciting, or keep it a deep dark mystery prompting an outpouring of sympathy. The sad truth is, it was all about the knee(s). The injury goes way back to college during a football game. I was open, so the quarterback drilled it to me. I was hauling @$$ as fast as I could whilst being pursued by the huge neanderthal gorillas from the opposing team. I was just about to score a touchdown when one of the damn dirty apes came up from behind and rolled me. I went down like a blade of grass under an elephants foot.

That was the start. Not long after that, I was signed by a pro team (NY/NJ area) despite their understandable concerns over my injured knee. The team doctors however gave me the thumbs up and I was on my way. Before the beginning of our very first game, I tripped in the locker room and that was all she wrote. The FIRST damn game! I sat on the bench for one season before being released from my contract. Hey, I had absolutely no problem sitting on my @ss for a "cool mill".

After that I dabbled in semi-pro soccer and rugby. I certainly wasn't getting any younger and by that time the knee was pretty much mangled. I kept postponing surgeries, and just took to wearing heavy duty braces. So here we are in the present and my knee has swelled up so big, it looks like a volley ball, a big headed baby, or at just the right angle, a bald headed dwarf strapped to my leg. Perhaps it would just be easier to amputate. I'm many things, but I'm no doctor.

Here's the (mostly true) story of the MRI event as it unfolded:

I arrived at the imaging center at my appointed time and took a seat. I grabbed a paper and proceed directly to the comic section. Stock market, fuel high jinks, and world crisis be damned. I alternated between hysterical strips and one panel gags, to Martha Stewart on TV talking with an expert on menstrual decoupage. I heard lots of coughing, wheezing and slow moving steps combined with the creaking of metal. I looked up to see a room full of elderly folks.

I could feel the odd sensation of a broad smile working it's way across my face. I noticed crumbs of flesh falling to the floor. I must have looked like the Grinch when he had a "terribly awful idea". You see I realized , I who never smiles, was the YOUNGEST one in the room. I was so happy I could pee. In fact I think I did which didn't seem to be a problem 'cause several others in the room had already done so.

After about twenty minutes an exotic and unusual looking man, (I think it was a man) entered the room and made an announcement. It seemed no one could understand what he was saying. It sounded like Swahili or pig Latin. I surmised that he was calling his next victim. A phone call was made and about two hours later an interpreter from the UN arrived. We all watched their hushed discussion. The interpreter made his way over to where I was seated and said; Your next.

To make an already long (but very interesting) story longer, I was escorted by a very large woman (also known as a "biggin") towards a room that was all the way down at the end of a dimly lit corridor. As we walked along I heard a strange rubbing noise. I couldn't figure out where it was coming from until I smelled the smoke and looked down. The woman's thighs were rubbing together as she walked and a small fire had started. She didn't seem too concerned as she drank from a water fountain and then preceded to spit the water on the fire. I'm guessing this is a fairly regular occurrence.

She then practically body slammed me onto the table I noticed she had very hairy forearms, bordering on furry. I must admit I was a bit intimidated that she had more hair on her upper extremities than I did. I think I actually felt a little resentment towards her. On one of her arms the hair was parted. I guess this was some new style. Actually it was braided in a few places. Perhaps she'd recently visited Jamaica. After strapping me down she left the room. I was quite relieved. As much as I love to be strapped down by a woman on occasion, this was the one particular woman whose Mercy I did not want to be at. Maybe she has a cute daughter. I'll have to look into that later.

The man who had made the earlier announcement in a strange martian dialect arrived at the door. He smiled a lot. It made me nervous although I'm glad he liked his job. He went up to the machine. He pushed this. He turned that, still smiling mind you as he guided my body by remote into the cylinder of doom, I was swallowed up to my waist. Is this how Quinn felt in Jaws? Mr. smiles then promptly left the room. What the?................Isn't he supposed to say something like this isn't gonna hurt or this is gonna hurt a hell of a lot? Don't move? Anything at all?! He came back and put some plugs in my ears. He began talking, but now I couldn't hear what the SOB was saying. He NEVER stopped smiling! He left again, closing the door behind him. Suddenly the lights dimmed. At that point the only thing that came to mind was,............ Oh no.

I tried to calm myself as I felt the first beads of sweat on my upper lip and forehead. These things aren't supposed to hurt, right? Flat on my back and strapped to a table like Frankensteins monster there wasn't much I could do but look up or close my eyes. Looking up I saw that they had installed a sky scene with clouds and $h!t that was illuminated from behind. Was this supposed to make me feel better? Calmer? Less stressed? Then I began to feel this steady thumping pulse. Much like a bad dance club, or one of those cars with a stereo that has the bass pumped up so loud it causes the whole house, and maybe the neighborhood, to shake like Godzilla two steppin' through Tokyo.

I tried to stay as still as I could because if I effed up, I'd have to do it all over again. Even through ear plugs I could hear horrible, terrible noises that I'll attempt to explain. At first it was kinda cool because the sound and vibrations reminded me of the scene at the end of Close Encounters when the mother ship stops by to gas up and take a pee break. But then the thing began to make artillery sounding noises like cannons and machine gun fire. Was I at war in NJ?

As I lay there with my eyes closed, I imagined I was aboard an alien space craft. I had been abducted because they were unable to find a better specimen with the limited time they had. I imagined they took my head and fused it with a woman's body. The one with the hairy arms, and thighs that spontaneously combusted. Replacing my mouth with Mr. Smiles smile. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Freud could have a field day with me. Irv already does. "It is what it is".

My biggest concern in all honesty was the constant vibration I felt in my crotch area. Now I normally wouldn't complain about such a thing, but it didn't feel good. It didn't feel right. Not that I'll ever have to use that part of my body, but you never know. Could happen. Just like pigs flying or monkey's flying out my @$$! Then it was over. They handed me copies of my x-rays, and sent me on my way. I didn't even get a toy or lollipop. Infidels! Actually, all in all, from wash to wax, it probably took about forty minutes. Now I have to make an appointment with my orthopedist. I should also probably get my fingers looked at as they're beginning to bleed. On top of that, I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome from all this typing, and your vision is probably blurry from all the reading. Perhaps you didn't even make it this far, and then you wouldn't even be reading what I'm typing at this moment. Aw crap on a stick!

-THE END-

PS- Have a nice, waaaaaaait for it................................Weekend