LAMEoween

SIX days 'till Halloween! Hooray- Not really.

I absolutely LOVE Halloween! I have since I was a wee lad. Back when Lincoln was leading our great nation, although I voted for Nixon. Scary masks and costumes, movies, decorations etc. Most importantly, FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE candy. A mothers nightmare. A dentists increased income! Much like Christmas, people spend weeks getting ready for one simple day which seems to be gone in the blink of an eye. The days leading up to the holiday are usually more enjoyable then the day itself. Kinda like wanting is sometimes better than actually having. Unless it's a hot chick and a sports car! Maybe I may be in the minority.

They (whoever they are) say Halloween is only second to Christmas in popularity and has grown exponentially in the past two decades. I'm guessing "they" must mean the retailers, manufactures, etc. "We" of course being the consumer masses, Although I'm curious to know if the holiday took a downturn due to the current economy crisis.

To me, Halloween was always about the atmosphere. As a kid, Come early September, I was in full Halloween overdrive. "Mom decorate now!" Mom buy my costume now!" "Mom buy the candy now!" What a brat I was. I think my mother had to enter the food stamp program 'cause of me. God bless her. She was a saint, forged and stoked by fires unknown to any other mother, with me gloriously and notoriously, fanning the flames! As the saying goes; "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I swear I once saw her pick up our house to do some light dusting.

I think I went trick or treating up until I was about 25 years old, although by that time, it had lost much of it's appeal. Probably due to the large amount of rocks being thrown at me, many calls to the police, and a few shot guns pointed at me through the front door.

When I young, but finally old enough to T or T on my own, there were several non negotiable rules set in stone by me and my com padres.
ANY deviation or violation of said rules brought about swift, harsh judgement upon ones head. Aside from the possibility of punishment by death, there was always the lingering threat of a wedgie or head fart. Don't ask me to explain the latter. If you celebrated any kind of boyhood, you know the procedure.

#1) You didn't begin T or T until it was dark out. It was very uncool to go out before the sun had set. Going out during daylight hours was for the little kids.

#2) You could NEVER EVER wear a coat or jacket over your costume. BLASPHEMY! If your mom made you wear one, you ditched it as soon as you were far enough away from prying parental eyes. Unfortunately many a child was so exhausted by the end of the night, they ultimately forgot about their outerwear, leaving their coats outside to be kissed by the morning dew and mold. Not to mention, dirt, spiders, n' stuff. This very innocent act would usually bring a greatly feared reaction. Bringing down the wrath of MOM! Harsh, hard and heavy! I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood mothers were feared way over fathers!

Another sacred Halloween rule (#3) was that you were not at any time permitted to remove your mask revealing your true identity. This was before we were aware of the governments Witness Protection Plan.

The rubber masks were so heavy the inside became like a sauna. There was so much sweat running down our faces, it was like a waterfall. If that weren't enough, despite a hole here and a hole there, breathing became extremely difficult and labored. I saw many brave kids sucking it up for as long as they could before passing out and taking a header.

Another type of popular mask of the day was the thin plastic kind that only covered the front half of your face. It was secured to ones head by an elastic band that tended to snap, causing poor children to become furious. The tough kids simply held it up to their faces with one hand. Ahhh, "The Halloween Mask One-Hander". That took greatest of skills. In school the next day, quite often these kids were highly coveted and revered. Put on a metaphorical throne and worshiped by the boys and swooned over by the girls. Sad to say, I was never one of those kids.

This type of mask was as hazardous as the rubber kind, if not more so! Back in those days children's safety was not the priority it is today. These masks usually had pin hole openings to see out of and the mouth was commonly a small slit. The plastic was vac-formed which means the outside features pushed out, but the inside surface of the mask pointed inward. We're talking INTO YOUR FACE inward! In other words, the thin plastic was like razor blades or sharpened paper edges. Have you ever had a paper cut? Well it's pretty much the same with the mask. It's amazing how two very thin materials can cause so much pain and agony on a catastrophic level, not to mention the bleeding!

Another unfortunate result of the mask was the slobber factor. The mouth part of the mask would push so tightly against your mouth that it would be difficult to open it. Many a child could be heard making incomprehensible garbled sounds. None of us could understand what the other was actually saying. Fortunately T or T is a learned skill and the spoken word was rarely needed. Us kids had an unspoken language. At times I could swear we were tiny telepaths! Thank God the people who were giving out candy knew exactly what to do, even if they couldn't understand a word.

I can recall the agony and the Ecstasy while wearing these masks. Being barely able to breath with a raging river of saliva rushing over your mouth and down your chin and neck. You also had to factor in only being able to see mere inches in front of you. Kids were constantly tripping over curbs, foliage of various types, as well as the many steps we had to climb to reach our blessed sugar reward. I'm sure many ER's were littered and strewn with children's bodies that night. However, It was well worth the blood, sweat, tears and bruises!

Halloween was all about the cool factor. You didn't necessarily have to feel cool, you just had to look cool! Speaking of not so cool, I can recall being in Woolworth's, salivating over all the cool Halloween costumes. At that point in my life I was much too big for the boxed costumes they sold for the kiddies. At that time in my life I was going through my daredevil Evel Knevel phase. Lots of broken bicycles, fortunately no broken bones. I spied a brandie new EK costume on the shelf. No way in Halloween hell was I gonna let this moment pass me by.

I sneaked some ca$h out of the old ladies purse and made my purchase. Do recall the scene in the film A Christmas Story, when the mom is trying to stuff Randy into the snow suit? Well that's kinda how it looked as I tried to stuff my husky bod into my cool new EK costume, except my mom couldn't help because she was on the floor convulsing with laughter! Once I was barely in, I made my way outside for T or T. Within mere seconds my glorious EK costume had split it's seems up and down that damn vinyl and nylon piece of crap! I was so much more than mortified and embarrassed. I was completely and utterly defeated. I went home, tears streaming down my face with my beloved costume in tatters. Once inside I sought out motherly comfort, but there was none to be had from the woman who was still on the floor, convulsing and flopping like a fish out of water, laughing hysterically. Thanks mom!

On a side and slightly irrelevant note, As a youth I had heard terrifying tales of roadside bandits and marauders who would jump out of trees or from behind bushes, viciously assaulting you and stealing your candy, leaving you for dead. I was most fortunate to have avoided this fearful calamity!

The end of the Halloween evening brought the Coup De Grau. Emptying your pirates booty and swag onto the floor, only to have it almost immediately attacked by the family dog, or worse, an evil sibling. My brother and/or friends would sort through the candy, trading crap for favorites. I often recall waking in the morning to find my haul a bit light. My parents would smile their chocolate smiles, all the while denying any thefts had taken place. Call the authorities. I demand a full investigation!

Of course NO Halloween would be complete without the tradition of watching It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, usually followed by a viewing of Rankin and Bass's Mad Monster Party! The latter being brought to you by the producers of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, etc. presented in the glorious stop motion puppet format which to this day holds a special place in most Baby Boomers hearts!

Present day- I was invited to a last minute party (tonight) at a very good acquaintances house. I think I'm gonna bag, because I really haven't had time to throw together a decent costume. Besides I won't know many people, causing a few of my social foibles to be on high alert. It's just as well, I've got plenty of Net Flixin' ta do at my safe and warm abode. Halloween night is the start of my friend Bob's annual Monster Movie Marathon that lasts all weekend. Perhaps I'll attend for a few flicks.

One last thing that bums me out is that for some reason this Halloween season feels lame. I threw a pretty big (disastrous) party last year and I didn't really feel like going through all the effort again. I've barely decorated in and around my place. I never even picked up a pumpkin, let alone carved one. There are still a few days left to maybe do some stuff. We'll see. For now you'll find me sitting in the most sincere pumpkin patch I can find crying BOO-HOO! Get it?! Boo, as in ghost, and ghosts typically say the word boo, but I don't think they really do. Only the cartoon ghosts do that, right?

Oh Great Pumpkin, where are you?!