Here He Comes............................

Do you remember the beginning of the theme song to the Speed Racer cartoon? Well imagine two guys in their forties in a hot new black Corvette. Not quite a demon on wheels.

My best friend Jay stopped by last night in his mid life crisis on four wheels, to see if I wanted to go for a drive. The weather was nice, yet unseasonably warm (see below furious rant post). It's a beautiful car. It's the kind of car that gets the smile and thumbs up from guys and the eye roll from the ladies.

I've never seen a female driving one, although I hear they're popular with transvestites, trans genders, and cross-dressers. Hey!, someone told me OK?! This is a car you'll most likely see a guy in his forties and MUCH older driving. The car screams look at me! I'm STILL hip and young! I'm hot! I've still got it! Jay's Vette is a 2008 (maybe 2007?) model. It's black as I've mentioned. Bruce Wayne's favorite color. A friend of Jays that owns one as well, talked Jay into the purchase. Jay had a Vette many years ago when he was a youngin' and I think he was trying to recapture some of that. Only this time he had to capture a bit more moo-la!

They both usually just keep the cars stored in their garages, only taking it out for a spin every so often. What's the point? Whatever. Jay and I went for a nice little drive. He thinks 'cause he's with me it's OK to go mach five. Well, if 5-0 ever pulled us over, I'd have to say I sell and service vacuum cleaners. Yes sir I do. We were getting hungry so we stopped by a crappy little Italian joint in town. Miss W happened to be workin' it hard for tips, (no she's not a stripper) so we thought we'd make her night, harass her a bit, and get some decent grub as a bonus.

After dinner, Jay asked if I wanted to drive home. Now I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because this guy waxes his car with a diaper, and will only drive with surgical gloves on. I figured his offer was HS, but he handed me the keys and we both got in with worried looks. I learned how to drive shift, so I believe if you can drive a crate with a Manual transmission, you can drive almost anything.

Now I'm a big dude. 6'2" in fact. Jay, not so big. I sat in the seat which is Pretty dang low to the floor. Despite that, all I could see was the hood of the car. I actually had to scrunch down to see the road. As I placed it into 1st gear I have to admit I was a bit nervous. I pulled away from the curb without hitting the car parked in front of me. I figured I was off to a pretty good start. I pulled up to the main drag and that was all she wrote my friend. I popped the clutch and away we went! That baby kicked some asphalt @$$. I live about a mile and a half down the road. I got it up to 75 pretty quickly. It's a good thing I know the cops in town.

I think he expected me to pull into my driveway, but that wasn't gonna happen. I drove so fast passed my place the paint pulled right off! That's gonna piss off my landlord. I love to drive fast! Unfortunately cars that are fast are not conducive to my height. One of the greatest thrills of my life, aside from sky diving which I will NEVER do again, was driving 160 mph in a stock car at the Pocono Raceway.

I drove through the next town and back again testing my shifting prowess. I was a little rusty but not too bad. Pulling into my driveway was another story. Vettes sit VERY low to the ground. Despite pulling in slowly, the bottom still managed to scrape a bit. I've never seen Jay wince like that. That was nothin' compared to what happened next. I attempted to turn around in my lot so it would be easier for him to leave. How considerate. My lot is on a slight incline so I had to give it a bit of gas as I put it into 1st. Apparently my clutch dexterity was not all that, because we were quickly over come by the smell of something burning. I asked him what it was. Jay said it was me destroying his clutch. At that point, I felt it best to put it in park and make a semi-graceful exit.

I guess he's gonna send me the bill. I hope his mechanic isn't too expensive. I'm sure the part alone will cost me quite a few donuts and cups of coffee! I wonder if I should call my lawyer. I'd also better check my renters insurance policy.